The Bitch Is Back

I understand darling. I know you're hurting. Come here, let me take the pain away. I'll hold you, kiss you, stroke your hair. I'll talk to you. Come closer, it'll be okay, I'll make it okay, I can fix anything. Stop lying to me. Stop saying I can't help, stop saying I can't be yours. I can be. I can be. Let me be. Just come closer. Come closer. Please. Don't make me say it. Don't make me tell you how I feel. I'm afraid of what will happen, afraid of the silence that will follow. Ignore her. Pretend she never happened. Pretend she never hurt you. We can both be clean and free from our pasts. Please. Please. Please.


I love you.

the truth wasn't so bad. my baby has come through for me again.

My life support machine has been switched off. I have lost a limb. I have been dumped. I am something to be proud of; I have achieved. I have, at the same time, failed. I have cried since 1.06pm Wednesday. I am missed. I am thought about. I have lost a parent, a friend, the person who, in my morbid imagination, would have eulogised when I killed myself. I am three fucking years older. Five years younger. I have lines on my face that weren't there when I started. A thicker waist. More love; less love. More tears; fewer scars. I am healing outside, the inside, well, that's only just beginning. I am building and burning bridges in the same breath. I am fucked up but I am fixed.

"Alison... I see you. You are not just crazy, and you are not just sad. I can see you"

But I will never see you again. And oh, God. It burns. In the pit of my stomach there is fire and ice. Save me.

will you taste the other man? next time you touch me, will you feel his scars and burns on top of mine? will you hear his sad words when i tell you what to do?

you make me feel alive. but so did he.


lee. i miss you.

Why did you have to come back into my life at the worst possible time? Everything I ever felt for you is being stirred back up and I love you, so much, so very much. Just please, please don't ruin this for me. Leave me alone because I love you.

fuck me.
love me.
protect me.

i want you.
i love you.
i need you.

come to bed with me.
sleep next to me.
i can't sleep alone.

i'll say it back.