The Bitch Is Back

splodge some max factor colour adapt in creamy ivory around. fill in lips with sephora number 94. draw eyes with bourjois khol et contour bleu evasion.

plonk on top of a generously proportioned body with skinny ankles and fat feet.

into the brain, add:

• a healthy dose of cynicism
• a sense of humour (debatable)
• the ability to wear red lipstick
• a completely unhealthy hatred of skinny/pretty/clever girls
• a memory capable of retaining entire sonnets and large chunks of romeo and juliet but never able to locate her keys

there's nowt much else to her
but she's happy like that.

If I was any older...
This is Bob. Bob has bitch tits.
Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non smoking compartment.
...And I've got a killer rack! Good morning!
Go back! It's too big! It's too big!
Shiny shiny bright new hole in my heart.
Cherry cola.
Sitting in Jayne Mansfield's car,
I love you in such colours as your eyes have never seen.
Girls are crying and boys are masturbating
To save money use an umbrella as a birth control device
100% definitely a girl
To die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine
...I would act my age.

i've got to work my ass off for another year in therapy.
i hate the way everyone thinks it's fucking easy.
it's not, i have to sit there every week and sift through all the worst situations of my life and cry about it and get over it, in fifty fucking minutes.
fuck you if you think i've only got one sort of problem.
the issue is ME
i am the fuck up
i am the problem
blame me.

So women are confused about what men want. Case in point:

I know a girl who thinks it's cool to be open about every aspect of her reproductive system, with males and females alike. Menstruation, masturbation, sex, lack of sex, wanting sex. Do guys like that? It makes me feel sick. It makes most girls feel sick. But do guys like that? Do potential boyfriends want to hear about her bleeding and her being horny, or would they rather the pretence of having no reproductive system at all was kept up?

Pondering.

I have a best friend. She is always there for me, and she makes me feel good. She has never abandoned me. I have known her for more than two years. She's fucking amazing. She loves me more than any of you.

Guessed who it is yet?

"I think I learnt a lot about the culture and did many fundamentally French activities"

I got drunk and teargassed during a football riot.

"I learnt so much new vocabulary"

Fuck the police; I'm really hungover; that bouncer's a twat; I want to fool around with that guy

"I got on so well with my employer - she was like a parent to me"

I called her a stupid whore in English when she couldn't understand that I was going to pass out if she didn't turn the fucking air conditioning on. She didn't even understand that.

"I met some fantastic people, the whole group got on so well"

The whole week was an exercise in paranoia - I really like one of the guys - did Lizzie sleep in Raph's bed?

"I would definitely do the whole week again"

I would have to not be working and only take certain people from the trip and lose about four stone before I let another picture be taken.

"Grenoble was beautiful"

Once I'd looked past the kerb crawlers, drunkards, stoners, tramps and arrogant beggars.

"I'm so gutted I'm home"

I hate my family and friends.

"I think I've grown as a person"

Only outwards.

I am harder and more cynical.
I am bitchier.
I am more confident.
I am more willing to stab you in the back.
I care less.
I am infinitely more difficult to please.
I, like the rest of my peers, am better looking on MySpace than I am in real life.

www.myspace.com/theladylazarus

Now, I can start tomorrow on a nice new blog, with no fucking shitty poetry.