The Bitch Is Back

are you here? i think you are. if you're just around for your birthday celebrations, gran's given up on them. i remember all those parties. two vivid memories: wearing a black bin bag when i was six. i was dressed up as a witch...there was candles in the pumpkins. candles on the cake. the lights went off. it was magic. pure, sheer, absolute magic. i remember being happy, so happy. i couldn't imagine it not happening every halloween. after a seven year break, i think it's time to start it again next year. we'll have toffee apples. duck apple. bob apple. why are there so many apples at halloween? we'll have proper picnic - hula hoops in plastic bowls, salt and vinegar crisps, king size mars bars cut up into slices, mini eggs. we'll wear costumes. it's going to be great. i want you to be there. i want everyone to be there.

lots of love
"our al" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
stop messin granda!



You, reader, are hereby invited to a party next Hallowe'en.

• Trying to look younger makes you look older
• Moaning about price, saying you've lost your ID, talking about uni in a fake way - none of these help as much as you think they will
• If you're a B cup or less, don't even bloody try it
• Wear heels - height, confidence, thin and well defined legs
• Flirt, for God's sake woman, FLIRT!
• Giggle
• Pronounce the name of your drink right
• Know exactly what you want and I don't give a shit if you've been obsessing for 20 minutes on the walk to the off licence, when you get there you need to KNOW
• If you're in a group, surreptitiously send the younger-looking ones off to the loo five minutes before you order. Trust me, it's not how old you are, it's how old your mates are
• I am spouting such fucking bullshit at 1.06am

Random trivia about Ally: she is writing a story based on different Shakespearean characters. Hero, Orlando, Viola and Antonio. Prize for someone who knows where they're all from.

She needs a kick up the arse to make her start writing again - please volunteer. Kicks up the arse can be replaced with slaps across the face as appropriate.

She wants to see Marie Antoinette even though BBC Radio 4 gave it a 0 / 10.

She wants to see the History Boys for the following two reasons: one of them is hot and they used a Smiths song on the trailer

She's going to see Morrissey in December.

Tuesday she saw the Puppini Sisters live. It made her want to cry and have a 40s related orgasm. She wants to buy more lipstick and better clothes. She made new friends.

She's lost a stone.

She's...............happy.

•Bentham said that there were seven factors with which you could measure happiness (using hedonic calculus) :
–Intensity
–Duration
–Certainty
–Fecundity
–Purity
–Extent
–Remoteness

she's carrying her indie film, her philosophy text in the original french and her plath/hughes analysis.

he's studying a "meaningful" book with a white cover.

she picks up something from the shelf below.

he's forced to turn around and look at her.

she's wearing bright red lipstick.

he's blown away.

she's blushing.

he's gorgeous.

she's in love.

he's leaving.

je t'aime - alors, mince, je t'aime.
mon dieu, je ne peux pas vivre sans toi.
aide-moi, embrasse-moi.



je suis le plus sympa personne qu'on pourra rencontre.
peux-je vous aider?
je veux vous aider, je vous veux de m'aimer.



une mystére. une vraie mystére.
il n'y a personne qui la sait vraiment.
elle ne sait pas elle-meme.




elle est un tel bordel.